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| From sept 2010 |
So it’s been a long, long, loooong time since I’ve posted anything here. I have been writing material for the blog, but as life has been even more interesting for me than usual, I haven’t gotten around to it. Sorry. It will appear one day soon.
I’m back in Kuching now, after about six weeks in Thailand. It’s been an experience and a half. I spent a month in Chiang Mai on a personal quest to eliminate myself of alcoholism and to get myself fit again. Well, I’m still drinking, but I’m happy to report that it is entirely in moderation these days, which is precisely the lesson I intended to teach myself upon embarking on this trip. Y’see, I’ve always had somewhat of an extremist nature. All or nothing. Bone dry sober or stinking drunk. Pushing the limits of my body’s endurance, or not at all. Risking my neck in adrenalin fuelled pursuits or taking it easy. Seldom any inbetween. It’s not that I get that messy when I drink (well, with a few exceptions from time to time) but I suppose I just got sick of spending so much money on alcohol, then waking up feeling like my tongue’s been dipped in battery acid and my eyeballs have been buffed by 80 grit on an orbit sander. Not to mention the fleeting morning memories of stupid things I did or said the night before (that’s when you start praying that it only occurred in your dreams). Did I do that? No. Yes! Ah shit.
I started the trip with a lovely friend and fellow hedon by going to Phi Phi island in southern Thailand. Her and I spent about six days there relaxing, bumming around, visiting all the nice beaches and restaurants in the area. Heck, we even made it to Maya bay, the place where the movie “The Beach” with Leonardo DiCaprio was filmed. Phi Phi, despite being very touristy, was a good start. I got a chance to clear my head, as well as focus on what was to come. We laughed lots, had fun at the expense of local names and words, as well as the character of the people there. Everything was “no heb”. “Can I get a watermelon shake please?” No heb. “This looks good. Can I get the sweet and sour fish please?” No heb, despite it being a prominent feature on the menu. “Do you do laundry?” No heb. Infuriating, but funny at the same time. She found my passionate hatred towards flies hilarious; lunches and dinners punctuated by my frequent “fugoff” gesticulations while swatting away the verminous little bastards. It’s like how the saying goes eh? If you don’t laugh, you cry, and since I’ve been taking the time to find the funnier side of life, it has bestowed its rewards upon me.
At my insistence, we spent part of a day plunging ourselves off a perfectly good cliff. The boat waited for us, packed to the rafters with sane people, whilst we jumped out and paddled off to climb up a cliff face, only to throw ourselves off the top into fish riddled waters below. After a few attempts, she sustained a rather nasty water-slap to the ass, and I endured a rather painful moment of hydro-testicular compression, after which we called it quits. I didn’t want to be up on domestic violence charges, after all, the marks on her ass could have been easily construed as excess friskiness. Anyway, after much fun, games and laughter the relaxing soon came to an end, and I reluctantly said goodbye to my beautiful companion and began my journey to Bangkok.
I stayed for two days, checking out the muay thai fights at Lumpini stadium. It was fun, but Bangkok always starts getting to me fairly quickly. The whores, the bars, the pollution, and the general pushiness of the people never sits well with me. I recall walking back to my hotel, passing a few gogo bars on the way that were packed with fat old western men, and young impoverished Thai girls looking for a way out,whilst children played amongst that hellish environment. Incredulous. At least in Malaysia, despite some of the ridiculous religious laws we have here, you would never see such a thing. At the end of my second day I went to Hualampong train station and boarded the train that would take me to Chiang Mai. It was a 15 hour train ride through some gorgeous terrain. As night fell, the cabinmate helped me convert my seat to a bed, where I lay in the heat and humidity with the windows open, only to be rudely awakened by a rainstorm which left me absolutely drenched as I desperately tried to put up the archaic and rusting windows to save me from further deluge. But the ride was beautiful. We passed rice fields, ancient temples, mountains and villages, which finally wound its way to my destination. At 5AM I was greeted by beautiful rolling mountains covered in lush green foliage as I rubbed my eyes and yawned myself awake. A brief tuk tuk ride took me to the camp, where I was to spend the next month learning the rather simplistic yet deadly art of muay thai.
I’m not going to talk too much about Chiang Mai here, because I feel it deserves an entry of its own, which I have been writing in my spare time. All I will say for now is that it was an interesting time of introspection, clarity, focus, and great conversation with some fantastic people that I met there. I managed to reduce my alcohol consumption, and for the first time in a long time, I was finally thinking clearly once more. My time in Chiang Mai came to a close and I said goodbye to those lovely people that I had met along the way, and picked up my backpack once more to head off to Koh Phangan, the birthplace of the fullmoon party.
I was greeted at Koh Samui airport by Eing, my fellow hedon, who had travelled up from Kuching to spend the next few days with me in paradise. From there we caught a jet boat to Koh Phangan, and went straight to the hotel. My belief in karma has been wavering as of late, due to my keen observation of human behaviour, but we were pleasantly surprised by the upgrade that we had been given by the hotel. I still don’t know how we got it, but I wasn’t too concerned by how, but rather, by what the upgrade was. A private pool, a separate “living area” which consisted solely of a rather large daybed, romantic lighting, and thick curtains, right next to the private waterfall that trickled down to feed the pool, as well as a luxurious traditionally decorated room, complete with a starlight shower and a hot tub. Life is good. Needless to say, we didn’t actually get up to too much outside of the resort. Funny that. Oh, we did make it outside once in a while, to have brief misadventures on quad bikes. I spent a few hours absolutely fanging it around the dirt tracks that abound around the island. Decked out in combat gloves, singlet and combat shorts, and a skull facemask to protect my precious lungs from the dirt and diesel fumes kicked up by trucks I menaced the countryside by drifting all over the place. Ahhh, now that’s living! One bastard roadworker threatened to throw a can at me for no good reason other than that I was probably enjoying myself too much. Prick. Go work in the hot, blistering sun. Leemeealone.
On the day of the full moon party, a quick trip to the magic mountain bar to pick up some “provisions” was in order for preparations for the night to come. Supplies locked and loaded, we climbed aboard the jet boat with about 30 other people from the resort , and after an amazing ride in, complete with an even more amazing lightning show from a passing storm system, we were unceremoniously dumped into the water right on the beach. What greeted us was an assault on the senses. Loud music blaring from every single corner of the beach. Crazed, drunken revellers for as far as the eye could see. Swirling lights. Fire. More drunken people. Sex in the air. We took perch above the spot where the fire skipping was being held. To those uninitiated among you, this is basically a long length of rope doused in gasoline and set alight, held by two guys on opposing platforms, and swirled around maniacally. Anyone who dares enter the inferno skips furiously before inevitably being whipped by the rope and falling on their ass. We watched this for about an hour atop the platform than ran perpendicular to the fire skipping; a platform that allowed people to slide down between two poles of fire, waiting for our magic to kick in. What a hoot. People falling everywhere. The show ended when the rope burnt through and snapped; catapulting itself onto the platform and wrapping itself around panicked party goers. One girl caught the raw end of it, and was set ablaze before she ran screaming and splashing into the piss filled sea to douse the flame’s fury. Which reminds me. Government health warning follows. NEVER. EVER. Go near the water at Haad Rin beach unless you want a good dose of a million people’s urine. Yes, people openly piss in the sea. No one seems to care. The toilets are smelly and inconvenient to get to, and you risk losing your friends if you wander
too far. You have been warned.
We wandered around, letting the freaks entertain us. Some idiots climbed the scaffolding that was set up in the water which was to later be used for a massive sign that would be set alight with fire; a great backdrop against the inky sky punctuated by the beautiful pale moon that stood sentinel to the chaos below. Some folks had some hilarious getups. There was one group that had come bodypainted as the Na’vi people from the movie Avatar. A rather retarded batman wobbled precariously on the scaffolding. Some hideously repulsive fat dudes wore neon yellow speedos and nothing else. Girls were, par for the course, scantily clad. No complaints on the latter though. There was no shortage of eye candy, however there was also no shortage of disgusting female trash either. One girl, high on god-only-knows-what, writhed around as if possessed. A very intoxicated midget dressed as a sailor said hi to every girl that he passed, without the slightest success. Passed out people littered the beach. We met these hilarious girls who took the opportunity to snap photos of themselves atop these coma victims in some rather compromising poses. One of these such poses involved the girl taking the comatose from behind with a rather large, imaginary strap-on. Legendary.
We finally came to rest at a stop where the music was to our liking. Deep, hard electrofunk driven by dark, tribal bass; a pulsing primitive sound that had the revellers going apeshit. We had been bodypainted earlier with neon paint. My friend had beautiful floral designs down her arm and back whereas I adorned myself with flames running all the length of my right arm. Next to our music station was another bodypainting place, which had neon lights, so we used the opportunity to take some awesome photos. One guy, impressed by our photos, came up and chatted to us, also posing alongside us for some laughs. More good times and hilarity ensued.
My bucket, (traditional alcoholic fare on thai beaches; consists of a bucket with a small bottle of the poison of your choice with a mixer of your choice, and copious straws) seemed to be a magnet for foot traffic every time I set it down on the sand. Even with my camera bag next to it, and even though there was ample space for said foot traffic to walk around it, people seemed to be drawn to it, and kicked sand into it. For christ’s sake! I haven’t been drinking like this in a while! Leave my bloody drink alone!! At least my rage entertained Eing, even though there was so much happening around us to keep us smiling.Despite the plentiful entertainment, 5 hours had passed and it was time to go home. Our boat was leaving at 4am, and when we looked out into the surf, we realised that it was about to leave without us. Waving and shouting, we jumped into the surf, with me carrying my camera high above my head. Typical. Just typical. We were the last people out. FILO – First in, last out. But no one seemed to mind. Everyone was having too good a time, and we sat by this Australian couple with whom we shared some ridiculous inebriated banter with.
I won’t say too much more about the rest of the night, except that it was good. More than good. The next day was spent convalescing. Much pool time was involved, and we took some hilarious shots of me jumping butt nekkid into the pool from the banisters. There are a couple of facebook worthy shots that preserve my modesty, but i’m still debating whether or not to put them on facebook, just for shits and giggles. Ah hell, it’s not like I have an employer anyway. Ahh the bliss of self employment. We had a beautiful last supper, and concluded our wonderful time by lighting a floating lantern, making a wish, and casting it away to the starlit heavens above, and said goodnight to each other. The morning after that we boarded the jet boat, only to board two more planes to return to Kuching, where my family and my beloved new car awaited the prodigal son’s return.
The bastard taxi driver in KL nearly made us miss check in; firstly by taking forever to refuel his car which should have been done prior to picking us up, and secondly, by allowing his piece of shit cab to suffer a tyre puncture on the way. We made it though, and suffered the classic army situation of “hurry up and wait”, enduring a 50 minute flight delay, courtesy of my good friends at Air Asia. I suppose that’s why they have hot stewardesses dressed in hot red. It almost makes up for the lost time. Ogling is a centuries old male pastime, only made better by successive generations of skimpy and skimpier female clothing. Approaching the airstrip was unnerving. Angry lightning bolts streaked to the left and right of the plane as we touched down. Beautiful to watch, but I must admit I felt the ol’ sphincter pucker up more than once. We touched down safely amongst the thunderous, clammy tropical air, and made our way out. The driver was waiting for me there with my new car. Shit, and there I was hoping for good weather so I could put the top down and roar my way home in style, but that was not meant to be. Ah well, que sera sera. I gunned the engine all the way back to casa de Ling, where my beautiful family awaited me. My two year old niece greeted me at the door, blubbering and clinging onto me like a forlorn monkey babe that had been separated from its prized banana. Aww the sweet little thing... It’s good to be home. No, it’s great. Homecooked food has penetrated even my dreams whilst on the road, and my mother had a lovely meal all ready for me. Bless you, ma.
There’s so much that has happened in the last few months that simply can’t be shared in one blog entry, so I promise you, dear reader, I will spend the next few entries updating you on my misadventures.
Expect some inane stuff. Expect some deeply introspective thought. Expect some philosophizing. But more than anything else, expect to enjoy yourself as you see the world through the eyes of this MadMan you call Dan.
It’s been a blast
